MEPS

March 3, 2009
Camp Johnson
17:18 - Again, I'm still pretty pissed today.

I'll get to it eventually, but being "student status" in the Marine Corps really sucks. You almost get treated good, but you get spit in your face enough that you realize life's a joke.


Summer '08

Ok, so I left off at the spring break of 2008, right? We were shooting the movie that never got finished, which featured a FANTASTIC performance (and also very hilarious) by Scott Dunn. Look him up on IMDb, he's got some good pictures. And *cough*lookmeuptoo*cough* he's going to definitely be fleshing out that profile page with more work someday. He's got an agency contract in Chicago currently I believe, and despite the crappy outcome of the movie he did for me, he still wants to collaborate, which I would love.

So, the movie experience was a good one, but it sucked at the same time.

Like I said, that Friday, I went to the recruiting office. I called earlier in the week and talked to my recruiter, Staff Sergeant Potts, who was and still is a really good guy. His heart wasn't totally in his work at the time as he'd transfered to Champaign because his wife was taking classes at the U of I.

Anyway, the first time I went into the office really really sucked. Here's what happens when you go to a Marine recruiting office for the first time:

You enter and you'll maybe talk to a recruiter for a couple minutes. If you're not a vegetable, they'll say they want you to take the "EST" which is Entry Screening Test or Enlisted Screening Test or something like that. There are way too many acronyms in the military for me to remember the unimportant ones. So, you'll take this test which is four sections from the ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery), which is the BIG test you take at MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station, had enough yet?). The EST is two math sections, a reading, and word comprehension section. I think I got a 61 or something. It's out of a 99 and the average is like...probably a 30. My and another guy I was on recruiter's assistance with back in December both seperately brought in people that got 18's on the EST. Another female came in and got a 9. And again, I brought someone in who got a 78, so go figure. It's not hard, it's just that most of the people joining the military are idiots.

When you finish the EST, you'll go back out and talk to the recruiter and traditionally, they'll give you these nine or so cards with these benefits you are offered. They're really cheesy like "pride of belonging" "travel and adventure" and others like "educational opportunities" and "leadership skills." You pick three that are most important to you and talk about them with the recruiter until you say you have to leave and they convince you to return as soon as you have free time. The trick is to get out of there.

When I went in, SSgt. Potts was new just that month I think. I was sitting at the desk with him just having taken the EST and a certain Sgt. Kelly entered the office. I'm not using a different name for Sgt. Kelly because (up till this point) he is one of the worst Marines I have ever been in the presence of, and he's no longer in the Marine Corps, so he can't do anything to me. He probably got an 18 on the EST. Well, he came in the office just having finished lunch I think and proceeded to talk...my...ear...off for the next two hours, not letting Potts get in a single word. Potts is a generally soft spoken and laid back guy, but I think it would've been impossible for him to speak during Kelly's annoying rant. I had never been in a recruiting office of any branch and I'd never really sat down with other active duty service members before, so the experience was pretty awkward. There was a third Marine in the room on recruiter's assistance so I was pretty much surrounded, and three people ganging up on one (even if only one's talking) is pretty intimidating. They pretty much told me to my face that I wouldn't be able to get Combat Camera from them, which is what I originally wanted(and would still rather)do in the Marines.

Finally, I got out of there. I can't remember if this is before or after I told my parents about the decision I had made, I think it was after and I'd told them what I wanted to do the weekend before spring break, or the first weekend of spring break. However you want to look at it.

I was riding in the car with my mom when I said "I'm thinking about not going to school next year..." "And doing what?" "Joining the Marines." Wow, what a shock it must have been for her, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to tell someone. She took it probably better than anyone else I told, no joke. She said she'd support me in any decision I made. See, her dad was in WWII, her step dad was in WWII, her uncles were in WWII, her brother in law was in Vietnam, her cousin was drafted into Vietnam, her other cousins were in the military. My great great grandfather on her side was in the German army and lost his leg in WWI, so family in the military was nothing new to her.

Ok, so she took it well and now I just had to tell my dad. He jumps to conclusions really easily, so I didn't really tell him. I told her to tell him while I wasn't around because I didn't want some family argument to start. He ended up calling me while I was at a party and telling me not to sign anything until he got back in town. He was going to Louisiana to help with Katrina relief I think. He does it every year with our church. Anyway, consider this: On my dad's side of the family, my great grandpa was refused entrance into the military during WWI because he had the same chest deformity that I inherited from him, my grandpa was refused entrance into the military during WWII because of how bad his eyes were, and my dad wanted to join the Navy, but let his parents make the decision for him: no. So, I was about to be the first Milas in the military. I think my dad's mom may have had some relative, but I'm pretty sure there hasn't been a Milas. Well, my dad was just kinda confused about the whole thing. Since I was a junior I'd pretty much planned to transfer to SIU to finish getting a bachelor's in film. I told everyone I'd been thinking about this decision for about a month, but that was just an utter lie to make sure no one thought I was a compulsive crazy person. I'd made my decision in about five minutes. He finally understood and supported my decision after two of the recruiters made a visit to our house and we all sat around and talked for a while about it.

MEPS: The Sports Physical From Hell
Ugh...

When you first decide you want to join, and are basically qualified (like, you have no fellonies and have all your body parts intact, no STDs, etc.) than you get a background check that's about a mile high. They want the middle names of the supervisors of jobs you haven't worked at for years. They want someone who knew you at every place you've worked and gone to school. They want everything and they'll figure it out when you lie to them.

When that's finally finished, you do some more paperwork in the office which involves initially a bunch of statements that you're affirming as true. You've never done drugs, you've never committed a felony, things like that. They ask you about drugs a lot. "Ever done any kind of illegal drugs?" "When was the last time you got high?" "When was the last time you smoked pot?" It goes on until you're done with boot camp pretty much. They say they'll find out if you're lying, but unless they find it in your urin, that's totally un true. So, keep toking up after you go to MEPS and don't get caught. If you tell them you've done drugs, you fill out a waiver and write an essay I think. There's waivers for almost anything. If they tell you (or you've heard) that you're disqualified for the military in some way, just get a waiver for it. Believe me, you can.

So you initial all this crap and sign in several places. Another thing, you CANNOT enlist in a recruiting office. There's no way. Contracts are not signed at recruiting offices. Contracts are signed at MEPS. Never be afraid to go to a recruiting office for anything. You can sign all the crap you want at a recruiting office and still walk away with no commitments. No, I'm not trying to recruit you, I'm just debunking common myths and fears.

All of this paperwork you've lost your mind over is put together into a large folder and you make an appointment to go to MEPS. MEPS is where everyone who's joining the military goes. Every branch, enlisted and officer candidates alike. You go and take the ASVAB and then get a physical.

In my case, MEPS is in St. Louis, and they ship to MCRD San Diego. I was kind of put off by that because at the time I wanted to go to Parris Islans, but boy am I glad I didn't now.

I missed class to go to MEPS on a Friday morning. I rode in a large can with an old guy wearing a Marines jacket driving. Most of the guys that drive these shuttles are retired Military. We picked up one other guy who was going to be an Army medic and we talked a little bit. I was pretty bored and wanted to get the crap done with.

We got to St. Louis, and got to the MEPS building. I was pretty nervous because the whole week leading up to me going there recruiters told me not to be nervous. "There's nothing to be nervous about...so...have you ever done drugs?" "Don't drink any monsters or you'll get an elevated heart rate and get disqualified." They said a bunch of crap to make me nervous. And, of course I'd heard over and over and over again that I'd have to strip naked in front of a doctor and bend over. That's what every 17 and 18 year old in the enlisting process seemse to talk about the most.

MEPS was pretty intimidating. It's the 10th floor in a big government building in St. Louis, and the first time I was there, I didn't know my way around. There were people walking around in uniform and security guards at the door and everything. The shuttle driver turned me and the other guy loose, and I was eventually seperated from him to take the ASVAB. You take it on a computer screen and they give you like three hours. The ACT is like the ASVAB times fifty. It's pretty easy, though I wasn't really up on my math at the time and I forget stuff I hate pretty fast. There's nine total sections on the thing. I don't know how long it took me, but not three hours. I scored a 77 percentile, which is pretty good. I mean, people fail this thing and you only need a 30 I think. I'm in school right now with people who got 30's, no kidding.

After the ASVAB, we were taken to our hotel, which is a Drury Inn Suites if I remember correctly. Pretty nice. I just slept that night, didn't do anything stupid like have crazy sex with the sex crazed females joining the military that my recruiters warned me not to get STDs from. If you're in the shoes I was in then, don't worry about anything a recruiter ever says to you. They say a lot of stupid crap whether they know it's true or not.

The next morning I had to get up at like 3 AM to get some quick breakfast at the hotel (and to shower and all that stuff) and get the earliest bus to MEPS because Marines have to be there the earliest, even though the Marine liaisons are there late like every morning. They're supposed to be there my 6 and we get there at like 5. Guess what's on TV? Morning local news. Morning shows are torture, especially when they're local. Believe me, I worked at an ABC station and I did cameras on like three morning shows. Some people do that every morning and you have to be AT the studio for it by like 4:30 EVERY morning. So, we sat for an hour and watched crap news over and over unless someone changed it to ESPN, I don't remember. Finally, the Marine liaison arrived and those of us joining the Marines entered his office with our paperwork. We turned it into him, put a sticker on our shirt with a barcode, our name, and our social security number on it, and turned around to read a sign that said we'd go to jail and pay a fine if we lied. MEPS is a very very stupid place to be for any reason. You wake up before the sun's even awake, and you CANNOT sleep in the lounges while you're waiting around. You'll get bitched at by whoever sees you, civilian or not.

There was a fairly large group that day at MEPS. The retards stood out early when they made fools of themselves going through the metal detector in the morning, so I made a mental note not to get stuck talking to them while I was waiting around for the rest of the day. It seems like each day, MEPS has a graduating class. A bunch of people get there at the same time and they all are there for about the same length, which is usually a torturously long time. The first thing my "class" did was go to a class room and listen to an Air Force Captain give us a short class on some stupid crap. I think we had to sign more stuff and we had to take a breathalizer. One...idiot...I can't think of a better word, took about six or seven tries and was clearly nervous because he was underage and had been drinking the previous night somewhere in St. Louis. It was written all over his face but he passed the breathalyzer and advanced to the other stuff on the 10th floor.

MEPS is like going to Six Flags. I could make a joke about it being just about as fun, but I enjoy Six Flags for the most part. What I mean is, there are about five or six rides you go on. In no order, they include giving blood, pissing in a cup, getting your ears checked, getting your eyes checked, a pointless physician's interview, and another exam. Sound like fun, kids? It was THE most boring day of my life. I mean, there've been days when I've done absolutely nothing on a Saturday before, but this trumped it all. Like Six Flags, you wait in line for a long...long...long...long time. Even longer than Six Flags somehow, and with less people waiting. The people that administer these tests are about as impatient and irritable as the Six Flags employees running the rides. They get mad easily. I just kind of laughed at the losers pushing their buttons.

Not all of these tests are worth their own anecdotes, but a few are. I'll briefly describe what it felt like to pee in a cup with about twenty other people right behind you and a huge black guy watching from the corner: it sucked. We peed in the cup and lined up right behind the urinals to turn in the urin. I thought people walking through the room were going to slip with their piss filled cup and bump into the line, which would've caused a domino effect with how close we had to stand to each other and we all would've spilled urin on each other, much to the employees' dismay. Yeah, if you can picture yourself being uncomfortable in this situation, than wait...just wait till I get to the Boot Camp piss test. You don't know what hell is.

When I finished that, the blood, they eyes, and the ears I went to this doctor's office and talked to her for a second before she examined me sitting on a table. She discovered my chest wasn't 100% perfect and my ribcage is crooked and made a note of it. After this I waited longer for the other physical exam. About fifteen males were told to enter a medium sized, wide open room with benches and hooks along the walls. There was an adjacent room around a corner with a scale that we weighed in on. This adjacent room contained a stall and a desk, with black tape on the floor in front of it.

The same black guy from earlier was in the room and simply said "Get over there and strip." which made some guys laugh, including me. He ignored us. We found ourselves standing in our underwear in this freezing room, no socks, no nothing. This white haired, white coated doctor entered and we had to do all these exercises (some strange..) while the doctor watched. Well, we finished the lunacy of that, but then I remembered...the butthole stories.

"There even gonna check yer asshole," SSgt. Willman had told me in his best ghost story voice.

"Now what's going to happen next," the bizarre old doctor began, "is I need you to all line up and as I call you, come around to my desk in front of the black tape, turn around, drop your shorts, bend over," he than used both of his hands to gesture, "then, dig your hands in and spread your cheeks."

I was kind of in awe in how he described "dig your hands in" but I didn't loose my bearing or anything. We lined up and heard things from the other side of the wall like, "THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TAPE!" or "NO, REALLY! SPREAD 'EM!" I'm not kidding, someone in front of me even farted when they bent over.

It finally came to me and the whole thing lasted about 45 seconds, if that. It was somewhere around 2 in the afternoon, at around 4, another shuttle came to pick me and the medic up. I couldn't swear in on that day. I had to go back to MEPS two more times before I could swear in. TWO MORE TIMES TO THIS HELL HOLE! I can't even describe here how abysmal the place is and how depressing it is. It's where Boot Camp really begins, I'll tell you that.

I had to go back a second time to get my chest x-rayed at a civillian hospital. They wouldn't give the results that day, so I had to go back a third time for that and to actually swear in to the military.

Don't ever go to MEPS...stay as far as you can from there.